Amy's Oasis

A few minutes ago I looked in the mirror on my way to 1) the computer and 2) bed.  Everything about the way I look and feel right now has a story to tell about my life.  My oversized t-shirt, which happens to be my dad's Camp Tamarack 2004 t-shirt that I stole before I left. (I love (& miss) my dad . . . my family.)  The fact that it isn't washed.  (I'm too busy to do laundry. :P)  The washable marker stains adorning not one, but both of my arms.  (The masterpieces of two very busy and precious tots.) The tender spots on my face where Hendrick whacked a very hard tiger against it. (To get me to laugh and make funny faces, don't worry. :)) My sore shoulder muscles. (From hanging on for dear life on a tube on Saturday.) My sunburnt face. (From hanging out at the beach on the weekend and at the park today.)  The dry, rubbed skin on my nose where I have been blowing my nose for a very long time.  (My body's decided to do a spring cleaning on the dead cells hanging around.) The sparkle in my eye. (Which apparently tells the world that a certain special someone is never very far from my mind.)

My warmed heart, which speaks of a life full to overflowing with all the rich and fulfilling things that bring God glory and man happiness.

I wonder what it would be like to see clearly, to have the scales peeled from my eyes and to see Jesus face to face . . . and in the next glance I have to praise Him for relentlessly tearing them from my hands that press them so tightly against my face. And I remember that the "would" is a "will" and that "will" will become "is" and I will no longer be afraid of His gaze.

I wonder what it would be like to hear clearly, to have His words to me truly be heard in every part of my being, what it would be like to resonate and vibrate with a perfect tuning to His music . . . and in the next note I have to praise Him for the fragmented harmonies that I am already able to hear with a growing volume, dispite the fingers wedged tightly in my ears. And I remember that the "would" is a "will" and that "will" will become "is" and I will no longer be afraid of His voice, His words to me.

I wonder what it would be like to smell the perfect fragrance of Him, of His offering, the incense that is a sweet-smelling aroma to the Father's nostrils, the offering that we pour at His feet; to truly breathe with healthy lungs the pure air, the life-giving breath of life . . . and in the next breath I have to praise Him for the permeating fragrance that comes my way, for the persistent breath of life that He has not stopped breathing into His Image-bearers from the very dawn of time, dispite my refusal to fill my lungs with His goodness. And I remember that the "would" is a "will" and that "will" will become "is" and I will no longer be afraid of His breath, His fragrance.

I wonder what it would be like to truly "taste and see that the Lord is good", to hunger after Him and be satisfied by Him, to truly be brought to His banqueting table, where His banner over me is love . . . and in the next pang I have to praise Him for nourishing me, for giving me the Bread of Life and the Living Water, dispite my stubborn refusal to open my mouth. And I remember that the "would" is a "will" and that "will" will become "is" and I will no longer be afraid of His hunger and satisfaction.

I wonder what it would be like to truly feel His healing touch, to touch Him, to reach out and feel the hem of His garment, the holes in His hands, the wounds of His feet, to pour out my offerings and tears on His feet, to wash His feet and be washed by Him . . . and in the next touch I have to praise Him for already beginning His work of healing, for touching my heart and upholding it and making it new, for inviting my touch, delighting in my service to Him - all dispite my tightly curled and clenched fists. And I remember that the "would" is a "will" and that "will" will become "is" and I will no longer be afraid of His hands and touch.

I wonder what it would be like . . . and then I remember that the "would" is already an "is" in one sense, and that the "would" in its fullest sense is a "will" and that "will" will become "is" . . .

And then I will no longer be afraid.

When I think of that, the "will" becomes "am".

"I'll watch as the cold winter melts into spring

And I'll be remembering you . . . "

- Narnia C.D., Steven Curtis Chapman (?)

Okay, so I realize I'm taking that song totally out of context, but seriously, this warm spring is making me happy and also bringing back a lot of memories of a lot of people and places . . .

For instance: As I head from the tiny stone train station to school, I smell the earth and the growing things of the country. I pass somone working in their flowerbed, cleaning all the dead things from around the tiny shoots. Suddenly what I want most in all the world is to take off my shoes and socks, grab a cultivator, and dig into that dirt. Even more I want my mom and my sisters to be working with me, my cat to come and wind himself around my ankles and sniff my cultivator every once in a while, my dad to poke his head out and make a smart remark every now and then, my "big" brother to be tinkering in the driveway with the lawnmower, moped or car.

As I keep walking, I pass a lawnmower shop. The smells of gasoline and the dried grass stuck to the bottoms of the machines bring back memories of Borgdorff's shop, Mr. Borgdorff, Mr. Schmidt, Ruth, my brother . . . "walks" with Ruth in the escarptment . . . running by the shop, trying to protect a muddy Ruth from familiar eyes . . .(good times, good times :P). The lawn mower that one of the men is driving around outside is really fast. Memories of the guys in the youth group taking turns mowing the lawn @ Borgdorff's come back, my brother mowing our own lawn time after time, the neighbor.

Someone walks by me licking a popsicle. Now my memories go way back to when I was around 3 or 4, hanging out with Jaclyne and other little friends, going to VBS at Stuarts, making our own popsicles at Oma's and laughing as they broke. My mom, sitting under the big maple tree at Oma's, handing out the popsicles to little bare-backed boys, a pigtailed Chrissy. I think my popsicle was purple, although I could be wrong.

So many precious memories. I could go on forever . . .

"For who is God, except the LORD?

And who is a rock, except our God?

It is God who arms me with strength,

And makes my way perfect.

He makes my feet like the feet of deer,

And sets me on my hight places.

He teaches my hands to make war,

So that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.

You have also given me the shield of Your salvation;

You right hand has held me up,

Your gentleness has made me great.

You enlarged my path under me,

So my feet did not slip. . .

The LORD lives!

Blessed be my Rock!

Let the God opf my salvation be exalted."

Ps. 18:31-36;46

One more exam to go . . . and four more days until I'm back in my Canadian home.

I'm finding out more and more that "together" is a wonderful word.

"I will bless the LORD at all times;

His praise shall be continually be in my mouth.

My soul shall make its boast in the LORD;

The humble shall hear of it and be glad.

Oh, magnify the LORD with me,

And let us exalt His name together.

I sought the LORD, and He heard me,

And delivered me from all my fears.

They looked to Him and were radiant

And their faces were not ashamed.

This poor man cried out, and the LORD heard him,

And saved him out of all his troubles.

The angel of the LORD encamps all around those who fear Him,

And delivers them.

Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good;

Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!"

Ps.34:1-8

The place where you have to trust God and let your heart and mind flow out on paper - and pray.

One down, two more to go . . . and my reliable and experienced friend Arlene tells me that I have just completed the second-hardest exam of the entire counseling genre of classes.  Good to know . . . after the fact.

It was wonderful, though - no cold, sweaty hands, no shivering, no headaches/migraines, only one brain blank (which I was able to work around), and a calm and peaceful assurance . . . all I can say is, God is good! I definitely feel upheld in prayer!

Steve and I are reading 2 Corinthians right now, and I have just found this beautiful book to be such a blessing to me.  I just wanted to share some verses with you tonight from the 3rd Chapter:

"You are an epistle written in our hearts, known and read by all men; clearly you are an epistle of Christ, ministered by us, written not with ink but by the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of flesh, that is, of the heart. And we have such trust through Christ toward God.  Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think of anything as being from ourselves, but our sufficiency is from God, who also made us sufficient as ministers of the new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life." (Verses 2-6) 

I could go on and on about this . . . but it speaks for itself.  What a blessing to be written on God's heart in the  indelible Spirit of God, which will never pass away! What a blessing to have a heart that is softened by grace - to be written on & carry the message to those around us! What a blessing to also be able to write on other's hearts by the Spirit of the living God.  

 Karise.

Grace is sufficient. 

Just something I journaled earlier this school year. (edited) It makes me realize just how much God has supported me and stretched me these last few months . . . what an incredible opportunity! I praise God so much for giving me this amazing gift.

*** ~ *** ~ *** ~ *** ~ *** ~ ***  ~  ***  ~  ***  ~  ***

The rain patters on my window. The shade is down, but I can still see in my mind's eye the soft glow of the streetlight in the darkness outside, lonely and alone.

I am a streetlight in the midst of swirling grays and blacks. My light is fading in the falling rain and in the fog, and I start to wonder - do I really possess the light of truth after all, or am I a vapor, swirling about in the delusion of being a solid, steel streetlight?

This is where God has called me to be. This is where God is stretching me and making me grow. This is where I am shaken and tossed about, and yet not forsaken - never forsaken. I am a defective streetlight with the occasional delusion of being a wisp of fog.

Here is my earth-shattering news:

I picked up a novel today and actually read something that was not a theology/counseling/Bible kind of book!

The implications: I finished my first semester of classes. And survived. Mostly intact.

God has taught me so much. It has been hard at times - heart-wrenchingly hard. Facing sin and hardship dead-on is something you never survive without the grace of God. Time and time I have been broken and forced to fall on Him in new ways.

Isn't that what the Christian life is all about, though? The gospel is not flat and one-dimensional. As we experience life, we start to see new and limitless messages within God's plan, new and glorious ways that just keep opening up before us.

I believe I now see what C.S. Lewis shared in The Last Battle, when he described the heavenly country as being like an onion with rings that kept getting bigger and bigger as you dug deeper. Believe me, every ring is even more glorious than the last. It is so wonderful to be able to get little tastes of heaven on earth - times when God just pulls the curtain back for a tiny instant and allows you just a little glimpse of His overwhelming glory.

So why aren't all our faces shining? Moses had to cover his.

And now . . . here come the exams. Prayer is appreciated!

P.S. Although I have survived this semester with all but my pride intact, poor Ralph has not. His fate was finally sealed when he sought a way of escape out from under the fridge . . . and found that the barricade of traps could not be danced upon as lightly as the sticky-pads. His lovely friend Penelopy, however, succeeds him . . . as well as his legacy, which is also being slowly but surely exterminated.

 . . . Yeah, that's right, I get two . . . although the American one is kind of messing with my head as I'm seeing Christmas decorations and hearing Chrismas carols as I'm eating my turkey and cranberry sauce.

So, be thankful that you have thanksgiving with pretty leaves and pumpkins, all you Canadians!

It was good though - good to be celebrating, being thankful with and for an amazing family & friends that God has brought into my life.  God is so good. 

My soul is satisfied in you

Your love can never fail . . . 

I rarely share my poetry - for one thing, I don't write a lot of it, and for another, my poems do not often capture what I feel in completeness. This one is no exception. Yet - when you look deeply into it, unpack the layers of meaning, unlock the play on words ...

Maybe it's all that needs to be said.

I have often been struck lately by what an idolatrous people we are. I have been broken by seeing my own heart, the constant echoes of the fall within me - my craving to be "like God" and remake Him into my image. This is the result of my musings.

I thought I had You figured out

I carved You down to size

I thought I knew You at your core

I imagined myself wise

I thought my mind had captured You

My heart had brought You near

I even thought I imaged You

And held that Image dear

But here I am before the cross

Broken, wounded, peirced

My image shattered on the ground

the vestige of my fears

And in Your shadow now I stand

Your essence limitless

And here I fall to rest in You

Reduced to nothingness

I find You have me figured out

You've carved me from the earth

I find You know me at my core

Your wisdom beyond worth

Your perfect mind has captured me

Your heart has brought me near

And in Your grace You image You

And hold this image dear

I just got the news tonight that my dad was in a serious car accident today. He is physically fine other than a few bruises. Please pray for the other family involved, that the woman in the accident would make it and that all would be drawn close to the Lord through this. Pray with me that this would not simply be a fatalistic "He gives and takes away . . ." for my family, but a deep joyful "Blessed be the name of the Lord!" He is truly in control and doing what is best in every situation, for which I thank and praise Him tonight.

To all those who can: Give your dads a hug okay?