Amy's Oasis

How can one be satisfied and yet have deep longings, be convicted that one is a profound sinner and yet completely loved and accepted, be joyful and yet sad in the exact consecutive moment?

Only through love.

Only through Christ.

I'm back. It is good to be back . . . in a way. I am very excited for my next classes, convinced that they will continue to change and bless me beyond anything I could ever have thought possible. I miss the ones I love more than ever before. Yet another opportunity for God's grace to shine through.

"Father, I desire that they also whom You gave Me may be with Me where I am, that they may behold My glory which You have given Me; for You loved Me before the foundation of the world. O righteous Father! The world has not known You, but I have known You; and these have known that You sent Me. And I have declared to them Your name, and will declare it, that the love with which You loved Me may be in them, and I in them." John 17:24-26

One more exam to go . . . and four more days until I'm back in my Canadian home.

I'm finding out more and more that "together" is a wonderful word.

"I will bless the LORD at all times;

His praise shall be continually be in my mouth.

My soul shall make its boast in the LORD;

The humble shall hear of it and be glad.

Oh, magnify the LORD with me,

And let us exalt His name together.

I sought the LORD, and He heard me,

And delivered me from all my fears.

They looked to Him and were radiant

And their faces were not ashamed.

This poor man cried out, and the LORD heard him,

And saved him out of all his troubles.

The angel of the LORD encamps all around those who fear Him,

And delivers them.

Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good;

Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!"

Ps.34:1-8

Only 13 more days until the conference! I can't wait to have Jacinda, Chrissy and Brad down here and show them my city of brotherly love and my school . . . I hope you guys will be blessed by what God is teaching me through the wonderful school I attend!

And . . . only about 46 more days until I get to go home for Christmas! I am so incredibly excited for Christmas. As much as I love making new friends, there is something beautiful about being with someone who knows and loves you through and through.

The other day it just hit me once again what a wonderful family I have. I am turning into this scary mixture of both my parents lately, and I am finding myself to be incredibly thankful for it and for the truths they have instilled in me from birth. My siblings are sweet (when they aren't following my example), and will be my friends for life. My gradparents are all godly people whom I love spending time with, my uncles and aunts are all role models and care about my life. My cousins are brothers and sisters -- without the hassles of dealing with each other's nasty sides. :) When I am with my extended family, I am home. I have a spot, my own little niche that I never outgrow, as does everyone else. I am not a caterpillar who ever finds her cocoon too tight and struggles to be free. I am a butterfly -- free and flying. As is everyone else. We are all very different, and yet, everyone is on an equal level, loved and accepted without effort. I never really feel that I have to find my spot back, or that I have to "get in touch" with who my family is every time I see them. They are a part of me, and I of them, even when we are apart.

Hence, the bear necessities dance.

Not to mention chocolate and skittles.

It is late . . . but I will not allow the noisy neighbors to steal productivity . . . even if they can steal sleep. Hopefully, this blog makes sense tomorrow!

So, what am I most looking forward to?

- Playing the two pianos together with Chrissy in their amazing piano room. Maybe we'll have another guitar added to the little "band" we form when your dad plays with us, Chrissy . . . if you don't mind!

- Organized Pandmonium!!!

- A good, long hug from Cher. I starve for Cher's hugs sometimes. They are addicting.

- Sitting close to my Grandpa in the mutual understanding we have.

- Meals . . . truly amazing, every year again.

- Long, relaxing talks.

- Late-night um . . . things . . . you never know what may happen when we all get together . . .

- Getting to know Steve's family better!

- Seeing all my incredible friends again . . . esp. hanging out with Carol-Lee, Amy, Maria, Jacinda . . .

- Introducing Steve to the my family and seeing how he holds up under the pressure . . . seriously, guys, you've got to be on my side here, okay? I know we were saying at the cottage that we would just throw our boyfriends on the mercy of the council of the uncles, but . . . all I can say is, I'm glad we didn't form an oath or anything!

Anyways . . . it is really getting ridiculously late to be blogging. I think I may just try to tune out the rock, the rain, the sirens and all various and sundry noises the human voice is capable of making . . . ah, sleep. I believe I've heard of that before . . . somewhere.

I miss . . .

I miss my family, my friends. I miss big open spaces, jogs in the golf courses with just me and the stars and the soft grass under my feet. I miss being able to be alone outside at night. I miss my little brother and sister coming out to meet me with cries of "Mamy's home!!" and their little hugs. I miss our church. I miss the feeling of knowing someone so well, you are able to read their thoughts. I miss Heather V.O.'s laugh and talks with Naomi and eye contact with Hammy, and a million different things about every single person in the youth group. I miss playing the piano. A lot. I miss the kids I babysit. I miss talks with people at work. I miss the sight of a truly beautiful bunch of flowers. I miss the sound of the country- with no gunshots, sirens, screams, or constant roar of traffic marring the silence. I miss petting cats. I miss sharing a room with my sister . . . in a way. I miss the shoes and clothes I forgot at home.

And yet-

I love . . .

I love new experiences, new challenges. I love my new family. I love experiencing city life, exploring. I love seeing new kinds of people- am fascinated by the accents and expressions all around me. I love being able to experience a different church, and fellowship with different believers. I love the things that God is teaching me. I love my classes, my teachers, my assignments. I love the feeling of being exactly where God wants me to be. I love feeling secure, even at night in a train station with creepy guys and a busy street (and pepper spray! :P) for company. I love trying out new foods. I love making new friends. I love seeing the incredible hand of God in my life. I love the fact that my room is neat! :P I love the feeling of really good talks on the phone and e-mails. I love being able to have really good, spiritual discussions. I love learning to counsel people. I love seeing people's jaws drop when I tell them about myself. I love not having a busy schedule. I love my new little African-American friend next door- Tyrell.

I love the fact that God is the same- yesterday, today, and forever.

"So I said: "Woe is me, for I am undone! Because I am a [wo]man of unclean lips, And I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; For my eyes have seen the King, The LORD of hosts." Then one of the seraphim flew to me, having in his hand a live coal which he had taken with the tongs from the altar. And he touched my mouth with it, and said: "Behold, this has touched your lips; Your iniquity is taken away, And your sin purged." Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying: "Whom shall I send, And who will go for Us?" The I said, "Here am I! Send me."' Isaiah 6:5-8

I stand here and look at myself- a poor, dirty beggar, filthy and crippled- utterly useless and unable to do anything for God. Who Am I really?

I see all that God has done in my own life, but also in those around me, and I cannot help but see a tiny portion of God's incredible plot for His great story. I feel like Moses, carefully tucked behind a rock, able to just barely catch a glimspe of the limitless, indescribable glory of God, and in the face of that, I cannot help but feel my utter smallness.

And then to think that that power would stoop down and pick me up, clean me, mold me, purify me, and actually be able to use me for useful service . . . is incredible. That he is able to redeem my words to be the exact thing that someone might need, to actually purge me and make me into a vessel fit to carry His living water to others blows my mind. Why me?

To tell you the blunt and honest truth, even though I am in a counselling certificate program and looking forward to perhaps counselling people someday, that thought petrifies me. To get in a room one-on-one with someone and to hear their problems, be able to coherently analyse them and speak God's truth into that heart and life is a thing I cannot see myself doing well. I am in this program because God has brought me here. It is as simple as that. He is the one who has orchestrated every event, from allowing me to struggle with Chemistry and see my dream of a medical profession slowly slip away, to making "impossible" events like getting accepted into CCEF and getting across the border in 15 minutes and getting free housing, etc.,etc., etc. happen. So if God is the one who has brought me here, can he not also "redeem" my words and "purge" my heart, so that I will be able to speak into the lives of others?

Guys, if I ever get anywhere in life, it will have been the work of God from start to finish. Remember that.

Why is it that it is at the times of the most bitter soul-agonizing that we find the most joy? Time and time again God has to bring me to tears on my knees in order to make me feel my dependance on Him. And He enjoys doing it. He delights in making me feel my need of Him so that we can again have closeness. Oh life . . . so complicated and yet so simple, if you think about it.

I got the day off today and did some serious things for Philly. Banking, Dentist, packing, shopping . . . you name it, I did it. I even got my syllabus and course outlines and reading lists off the internet. And organizing my room . . . wow, talk about Pandora's box. I never knew so much old junk could be stored in such a little space. I thought my pack rat habits were conquered. Maybe they were, but new spring cleaning habits would have come in handy! You can barely walk in my room right now and I am left in a daze, juggling old duct tape purses and wall hanging creations that have so many memories attached to them, but unfortunately no value. So, to my siblings' delight and my poor mother's chagrin, the kids are "inheriting" a lot of stuff right now . . .

It is incredible just how much I have seen God's hand in my life lately. In just every way, I sense God's blessing on the decisions I am making, as hard as some of them have been to make. Even the fact that I am going to Christian Couselling Educational Foundation without having to go through school for my social sciences is amazing. . . as well as the way in which God provided for my accomodations and needs. As thrilling as that is, however, I find the little things even more amazing. Like today, for instance . . . He made my banking and dentist appointments perfectly coincide, and also provided for me amazingly when I went shopping! I think that I am now done shopping. And . . . yesterday we got off early, so that gave Janelle (someone at work) just enough time to cut my hair! So that's done too! And at the same time as all this God has made me go through some major emotional issues so now my pride is conquered for the moment as well, and I am attempting to trust Him again! All that in one day. Praise the Lord!

Now I just need to prepare myself emotionally to leave.

God is my comfort and my guide at all times.