Amy's Oasis

I feel like wearing a sign that says:

"Beware! I have a problem with left and right! Give me at least a 6 foot radius of space when passing."

I cannot count the number of times I have done the awkward dance with people - you know, the one where you go one way just as the other person moves the same way, and then you take a step to the other side just as the person takes the same move, and all this you try to do without actually touching or bumping into the other person. *sigh . . . sometimes I wish that I lived up to my name of "Miss Bird".

Although . . . the left and right problem doesn't go away in air traffic, does it . . .?

Maybe a siren? A loudspeaker? Bungee jumping?

"I, even I, am He who comforts you.

Who are you that you should be afraid

Of a man who will die,

And of the son of a man who will be made like grass?

And you forget the LORD your Maker,

Who stretched out the heavens

And laid the foundations of the earth . . .

But I am the LORD your God,

Who divided the sea whose waves roared -

The LORD of hosts is His name.

And I have put my words in your mouth;

I have covered you with the shadow of my hand,

That I may plant the heavens,

Lay the foundations of the earth, 

And say to Zion,

'You are my people.'"

Is. 51:12-13a; 16 

There is something about being on a plane . . . as the aircraft lifts off the ground and the landscape falls away beneath you, you cannot help but realize just how small we are.  I remember feeling that I could just reach down my hand and crunch the buildings and trees with one press against the rounded earth.  I had to strain my eyes to see the tiny man jogging around the track.  Soon he dissapeared completely as we gained altitude.  Houses and roads laid out perfectly beneath me.  No dirt.  No rust.  No brokenness.  No destruction. 

At the dawn of time, God was.  He was the one who existed complete in Himself, and yet he chose to create a universe. A galaxy.  Some planets within the galaxy.  Earth among the planets.  Continents on the earth.  A country on one of those continents.  A garden within that country.  Particles of dirt in that garden.  A man, made of the dirt.  On that man, the tiny man, the man barely seen from an ascending aircraft, the man made of dirt, God chose to set His love, to bear His Image! More than that, dispite sin and even through sin, God has put His words in our mouth and covered us with His hand of blessing and love!  What?!

 Do we believe in God? More than that do we believe in GOD-prime - GOD-to-the-infinity?  If we did, fear would be gone.  Fear of other people, of what they will think of us, of what they could do to us, of what they have done to us, of how they are responding to us, and all the other multiple ways in which we make others bigger than ourselves and bigger than God.  Fear of ourselves, of how much we sin, of what we will do, of what we will not do, of how weak we are, of how strong we are, and all the other multiple ways we make ourselves bigger than other people and bigger than God.  Not only would fear be gone, but so would guilt, so would pride, so, I suppose, would sin.  Do we believe in GOD?

Of ourselves . . . No.  But no matter whether we believe in Him in the totallity of His essence and in the totallity of our hearts and actions, GOD STILL IS.  The faithful though we are faithless. The strong though we are weak.  The big though we are small.  He IS, even though we do not believe in Him.  And because He is, we can begin to catch glimpses of Him, to take small steps, to gain a small taste of what it is to believe in and fully trust our truly great and awesome God.  It is not about our believing - it is about Him BEING.

Stand in awe.  Worship. Wonder.  And . . . do not fear.  Our God IS. 

"For lo, the winter is past,

The rain is over and gone.  

The flowers appear on the earth;

The time of singing has come,

And the voice of the turtledove

Is heard in our land."  S of S:11-12

They say Philadelphia is beautiful in the springtime.  As I walked to the train station today, I began to see what "they" meant.  The flowering trees are already beginning to bloom, and daffodils & crocuses are everywhere.  Not to mention the birds . . . I love springtime!

I also made a "surprise" visit home this weekend . . . thanks to a wonderful boyfriend and his spur-of-the-moment wonderful dreams. :)  It was so good to see everyone again ("S-E-E" as Steve's mom said . . .).  Good times at the park with my ecsatic siblings, a surprise double date with Matt and Chrissy, and then crashing Carol-Lee's party.  Not to mention saying a quick goodbye to my lovely friend Sarah who will be in Africa for a year, worshipping in Steve's church (hearing my dad's preaching and Lou's piano playing again!!) and relaxing with Steve's family and my family @ his house.  And to top it all off, staying over @ Ruth and Matt's. Let's just say it was a great time . . . and this morning's plane ride feels like it happened a decade ago.  

I finished off a class today.  It was such a bitter-sweet ending.  Lots of tears and encouragement and goodbyes.  Hearing stories of how God worked in these womens' lives and telling my own story, and then praying for such a long time together was so beautiful - such a reminder of the awesome greatness of our God, His love and the wonderful fellowship of the saints.  

I cannot wait for eternal spring . . . 

I thought this was interesting . . .

Compare these two quotes:

1. 

"My Declaration of Self-esteem

I AM ME

In all the world there is no one else exactly like me

Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine

because I alone choose it -- everything about me

my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions,

whether they be to others or to myself -- I am my fantasies,

my dreams, my hopes, my fears -- I own all my triumphs and

successes, all my failures and mistakes -- because I own all of 

me, I can become intimately acquainted with me -- By so doing

I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts -- I know

there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other

aspects that I do not know -- But as long as I am

friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously

and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles

and for ways to find out more about me -- However I

look and sound whatever I say and do, and whatever

I think and feel at a given time is authentically

me -- If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought

and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is

unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that

which I discarded -- I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do

I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive,

and to make sense and order out of the world of

people and things outside of me -- I own me, and therefore

I can engineer me -- I am me and

I AM OKAY"

-- Virginia Satir 

 2.

"Q. What is your only comfort in life and in death?

A. That I am not my own, but belong --

body and soul,

in life and in death --

to my faithful Savior, Jesus Christ.

He has fully paid for all my sins with his precious blood,

and set me free from the tyranny of the devil.

He also watches over me in such a way 

that not a hair can fall from my head

without the will of my Father in heaven;

in fact, all things must work together for my salvation.

Because I belong to him,

Christ, by his Holy Spirit,

assures me of eternal life

and makes me whole-heartedly willing and ready

from now on to live for him.

Q. What must you know to live and die in the joy of this comfort?

A. Three things:

First, how great my sin and misery are;

Second, how I am set free from all my sins and misery;

Third, how I am to thank God for such deliverance."

-- Heildelburg Catechism 

In which identity would you rather live?

Honestly?

Which one will you live out of? 

I am about 3/4 of the way done my school year.  Two more months to go.  I can't decide whether that's happy or sad.

Does life always produce these kinds of mixed emotions? 

I think so.  It's the already-not-yet, right?  This place is not our home, and yet God has given it to us to dwell here for a season.  As Christians, don't you think we should always be living between contentment and longing?

"I'll watch as the cold winter melts into spring

And I'll be remembering you . . . "

- Narnia C.D., Steven Curtis Chapman (?)

Okay, so I realize I'm taking that song totally out of context, but seriously, this warm spring is making me happy and also bringing back a lot of memories of a lot of people and places . . .

For instance: As I head from the tiny stone train station to school, I smell the earth and the growing things of the country. I pass somone working in their flowerbed, cleaning all the dead things from around the tiny shoots. Suddenly what I want most in all the world is to take off my shoes and socks, grab a cultivator, and dig into that dirt. Even more I want my mom and my sisters to be working with me, my cat to come and wind himself around my ankles and sniff my cultivator every once in a while, my dad to poke his head out and make a smart remark every now and then, my "big" brother to be tinkering in the driveway with the lawnmower, moped or car.

As I keep walking, I pass a lawnmower shop. The smells of gasoline and the dried grass stuck to the bottoms of the machines bring back memories of Borgdorff's shop, Mr. Borgdorff, Mr. Schmidt, Ruth, my brother . . . "walks" with Ruth in the escarptment . . . running by the shop, trying to protect a muddy Ruth from familiar eyes . . .(good times, good times :P). The lawn mower that one of the men is driving around outside is really fast. Memories of the guys in the youth group taking turns mowing the lawn @ Borgdorff's come back, my brother mowing our own lawn time after time, the neighbor.

Someone walks by me licking a popsicle. Now my memories go way back to when I was around 3 or 4, hanging out with Jaclyne and other little friends, going to VBS at Stuarts, making our own popsicles at Oma's and laughing as they broke. My mom, sitting under the big maple tree at Oma's, handing out the popsicles to little bare-backed boys, a pigtailed Chrissy. I think my popsicle was purple, although I could be wrong.

So many precious memories. I could go on forever . . .

"For who is God, except the LORD?

And who is a rock, except our God?

It is God who arms me with strength,

And makes my way perfect.

He makes my feet like the feet of deer,

And sets me on my hight places.

He teaches my hands to make war,

So that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.

You have also given me the shield of Your salvation;

You right hand has held me up,

Your gentleness has made me great.

You enlarged my path under me,

So my feet did not slip. . .

The LORD lives!

Blessed be my Rock!

Let the God opf my salvation be exalted."

Ps. 18:31-36;46

So Steve left almost 4 hours ago and I am in withdrawl . . .

That Steve person, though.  You know, he is a very worthwhile person to know. In very many ways. I highly recommend it. 

 I ate some of the cheese nacho chips Dad sent me tonight in honor of him . . . definitely made me miss the hordes of kids descending on it with me, though. :)

"Do not cry because it is over; smile because it happened." 

Whoever said that knew what they were talking about. 

Amazing how every season of life is an opportunity to worship God with new depth - every season gives us new things to offer up to the Lord. 

(Both the tears and the smiles.) 

Carol-Lee, I did this just for you. Enjoy . . . I have never done this before and probably never will again. :)

1. FIRST NAME? Amy

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? No . . . I think my parents just liked the name and the meaning: "beloved".

3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? Ooh, that's a hard one. Does just having a tear in your eye count? Because yesterday I definitely felt a lot of emotion when a woman in the community group I lead shared her story and told us that her husband accepted Christ two weeks ago. If the angels in heaven were joyful, I think we must have been doubly so.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Wow, slightly random. I think ham wins.

5. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Um, no. I would stay as far away as possible. :)

6. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? Totally!

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? With certain people when I'm in a certain mood . . . that would be a yes . . .

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yup, but not my adenoids

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Yes! Who wants to go with me?

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? I actually forget what it's called . . . but it's something involving bran flakes, oat and honey clusters, and raisins. :)

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? No . . . let's just say it's part of my time management plan.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? In body? I think I'm fairly (averagely?) strong, yes. I also have an inward strength that is both annoying to some and beneficial at times.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? I love Chocolate Chip Mint

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? I think their eyes and their current emotions. Eyes and facial expression tell you a lot about a person. I also notice immediately and mostly subconsciously what they are wearing.

15. RED OR PINK? I love deep red . . . kinda like the color of this blog. :) Not that i have anything against pink.

16. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Wow, there's a lot. I miss probably a good chunk of the people who are reading this blog. I miss Steve, but he's coming to visit me in two days, so that's not so bad right now . . . and I miss my family a lot and my friends . . . hugs to all of you!

17. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Funny you should ask. I have my bright baby pink pajama pants on (they're warm), and bare feet (those are not so warm).

18. THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Um . . . a mint from Susan.

19. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The warm air blowing into my room

20. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Purple

21. FAVORITE SMELL? Hot chocolate, food cooking (especially things involving tomato sauce), lilacs, warm kitten fur, babies, clementines, green growing things

22. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Geoff, last night, when he woke up in a panic wondering if I was safely home. Yes, we were in the same house. :)

23. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Carol-Lee? Absolutely!!!

24. FAVORITE DRINK? Hot chocolate

25. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? I've never really watched sports that much . . . do synchronized diving and figure skating count? If not, probably hockey . . . especially if I'm watching with a bunch of cheering guys/cousins

26. HAIR COLOR? Brown

27. EYE COLOR? Blue

28. FAVORITE FOOD? Anything involving chocolate or tomato sauce I think . . . (seems to be becoming a theme here)

29. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Well, I like some plot, but come on, it needs to culminate in joy of some kind!

30. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Green t-shirt with pink p.j. sweatshirt overtop

31. SUMMER OR WINTER? Seasons in general . . . but I'd have to say summer. Bring on the blue sky and sunshine!

32. HUGS OR KISSES? As my experience has been limeted, I'd have to say that hugs are very, very nice.

33. FAVORITE DESSERT? Hmm . . . I'd have to say my mom's fruit salad is very good.

34. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? Off the top of my head . . . The Bible, Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands, by Paul Tripp

35. FAVORITE SOUNDS? This may sound incredibly sappy . . . the sound of Steve's voice and my dad's, laughter, baby kittens, soft rain, music, birds, the crackle of a campfire

36. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Hmm . . . that's a hard one.

37. THE FARTHEST YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME? Mexico.

38. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? In Orono.

Isn't it funny how the older we get, the more we worry?  Ironic, because the older we grow, the more experiences we've had with the faithfulness of our God.

Isn't it funny how the more things and people we love, the more we have anxiety?  Ironic, because the more we love, the more we have experienced the love of God.

Isn't it funny how the farther along we get in life, the more we want to control?  Ironic, because the farther along life's pathway we travel, the more we are forced to realize that there is only one who is fully capable of controlling this world.

Why is it that we as human beings always manage to slowly close our hands over those things and people that we most love?  Why is it that we are afraid of simply lying prostrate before a God who has created and ordered this world, the author who is writing our stories?  Why is it that we pray for situations and people and things often as just another way to gain control over our worlds as opposed to opening our hands before a God who is fully in control?

As Ed Welch asked my class: Are we afraid that God might be stingy with us, as we ourselves are?  Is is simply our last grasp at being gracious gods in our own worlds?

Hard questions - but ones we need to ask.

I heard a quote the other day (again in class) that has stuck with me.  It went something like this: "Freedom is just another word for having nothing left to lose."  Does that mean giving up love and everything that is important to us, just to be free?  Yes, absolutely.  It means giving it all over to the loving and faithful care of the only one who can truly care for anything: Jesus Christ Himself.  In that is true freedom.

"He is no fool who loses what he cannot gain to gain what he cannot lose." - Jim Elliot