Amy's Oasis

J. Hi Amy.... HEY?!?!!...

S. My turn!!!!!!!!!!!!!

J. N-O spells NO. and guess what that means?

S. Ummmm.......????......

J. yeah thats right... it means NO.

S. No way!!!!!!!! really????

J. Uh Huh. you'd better believe it. oh... delete. Now to get on with my letter. Have you...

S. YOUR lette...?!?!?!

J. I WAS HERE FIRST!!!!!!! GET LOST!!

S. HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!! that's NOT true!!!!!

J. YES IT IS!!!!!!!!!!! NOW GET LOST BEFORE I CLOBBER YOU!?!?......

S. I WON'T GO!!!!

J. hehehe.... FINE... Bang...*^@# Smash... @!#%^$ Splat... &%^#!@ Poof... %&@!$

S. OOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!

J. Ha! Serves you right!

S. Sniffle... Snuff... Wheeze.... WWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

J. Now, will you LEAVE!!!??

S. Nope, nope, nope......I'll just sit here and type...LAAAAAA.......la, la, la, la........

J. ok... THIS EMAIL DOES NOT GET SENT!!! AND THAT IS FINAL! We wouldn't want amy to think we are a bunch of dorks or something.... Would we?

S. That's what we are....aren't we????? ANYWAYS....to get on with some news...... Mom and Dad washed the cat today, and got a bath while they were at it!!! It was hilarious!!! They got soaking w??!!!!

J. STOP... i am shutting down the computer and you have to GO TO BED??!!!

S. anywayz....

J. HEY! STOP IT!!! GO TO BED Amy, if you get this email don't waste your time reading it...

S. Ha ha!!!! too late!!! you prolly already did!!!!! :-)

J. From Josh..?!?!?!

S. HEY!!! And Sharon

The directness of your gaze caught me by surprise. There was no judgement there, no friendliness, no interest whatsoever - but still, it was eye contact. I smiled at you, and the corner of your mouth twitched upwards in a delayed, knee-jerk response. You had forgotten that, hadn't you - that simple and innocent expression of goodwill?

Briefly I wondered if you had ever known, and I wanted to teach you.

Then I realized that forming the clay of your lips into a smile and baking them would only bring the hardness that I saw in your eyes to your face.

In the next instant I was wishing to bring your soul close to mine in the moments when God is showing me a little bit of His glory - to lend you my eyes and my heart.

But then I realized with shame that then you would wonder why there is a part of my smile that is baked hard, and therefore is no smile.

By way of explanation . . .

This was written based on some thoughts I had on one of my many treks through the city and on one woman I met up with in particular. Sometimes I feel that unbelievers are the most honest of all people. When they hurt, they swear. When they don't feel like smiling, they don't. Christians, on the other hand, are often driven by this sense of performance, and that is exactly what they become. Performers. Fakes. People with a plastic outer coating. People we have invented ourselves. Yet - we have the gospel! We are a people being molded and shaped by God's incredible hand of love. Why not just be ourselves and love each other for who we really are, rather than the dummy that we have shaped with our own hands and crawled into? We, of all people, should be the most honest for who we really are, for we have the most grace and the most wonderful God who is forming us into His very image.

So, I am once again huddled up under my electric blanket like the little old lady I am after living in my coat all day at school and still shivering . . . but hey, it's all worth it - I saw snow today!! Huge, feathery, beautiful flakes - and so many that after walking outside my hair was wet! I kid you not - every window I came to on my way down to the library computer lab I had to stop and be mesmerized once again.

10 things you may not know about me . . .

1) I do not fear the dark, spiders, or any of those things people normally fear, but I am probably scared of you.

2) I have finally found the definition of "normal" that I have been looking for all my life. It is simply a cycle on the washing machine. If anyone can come up with a good definition of "strange" for me, I would be most grateful.

3) I have always wanted my own Lion . . . or rather, to be owned by a Lion and to ride on it's back. Ever since the Narnia books, I think . . .

4) According to some people, I am destined to have a brown wedding dress, a toilet car, earn a very little amount of money, and marry various unmentionable people. (You can ask Jacinda about this one . . . I'm pretty sure it was always set up.)

5) Climbing out of windows and climbing trees has always been a favorite pasttime with me, it seems - especially when it involves my sister Maria . . . or Chrissy . . .

6) I was, in fact, called "Miss bird" all summer long by my boss . . . ask me what my last name means. (Other explanations include that I "sing in more ways than one", that I "flit and float", all of which have various shades of meaning.)

7) I am fascinated with words. In every shape, form, sound.

8) A good life's lesson to learn: dancing and doing various other unmentionable things in the dead of night behind a Wendy's that just happens to have a window in the back door where the employees can be duly entertained unbeknownst to you . . . is most likely not a good idea. (Again, you can ask Jacinda or Maria about this one.)

9) Yes, I know it looks funny to pelt down a city street at full speed, and yes, I have done it. Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do . . .

10) The most wonderful invention in my books: the printing press.

I was reminded the other day of Christian in Pilgrim's Progress . . .

Close to the beginning of his journey, he comes to one of the most beautiful parts of it - the part where he comes to the foot of the cross.  There, as he contemplates and weeps, his burden falls off.

But it doesn't stop there.  The burden rolled into the grave, never to be seen again.

The story doesn't stop even there.  Christian is given a white robe and a scroll - what he needs to continue his journey.

But - get this - the story does not stop even there.  Christian stays beside that cross, finally beginning to dance and sing for joy!

How often do we ignore the cross, wanting to do it all ourselves? 

How often do we want to pick our burdens up again, since that means being self-sufficient?

How often do we forget the explicit command, "Rejoice always! Again I say rejoice!"

How often do we forget to "rest" in grace and let the "peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, guard our hearts and minds through Christ Jesus"?

How often do we try to ignore the burden of sin so that we never have to go to the cross and admit we need more than we find in ourselves?

How often do we meditate and wallow in our sin in a destructive way, rather than meditating on what is "true", "noble", "just", "lovely", "things of good report", things that have "virtue" and are "praiseworthy"? 

 God calls us to more than all of that - he calls us out of ourselves, to rest and trust and be joyful in Him!  He rejoices and sings over us with His love.  He keeps persuing us, even when again and again we run off the straight and narrow.  He even promises us the celestial city, and gives us all that we need - Himself- to be able to get there after our long, hard journies.  

Rejoice, and may the peace of God rule our hearts. 

A combination of eating kettle-popped corn from my friend Arlene (which, by the way, is my dad's specialty) and the fact that I just talked to my parents on the phone (finally!! ;P) is making me nostalgic right now . . . in a happy, wistful kind of way.  I was also talking to Cher on the phone the other day, and we were just alternating between being ecstatically happy for each other and feeling crazy over the ways our lives have taken.  A few years ago, we were kids dreaming over our futures, laughing over possibilities and wondering where we would be in a few years.  Now we are kids with our dreams becoming tangible before our very eyes.  How did this happen so fast? 

Looking back over my life and looking forward to the future, I cannot help but remember the perfect Author of my story.  Eighteen years have just gone by so fast . . . and have been so beautiful, even through sin, even through suffering.  Life is truly "but a breath", (Thank-you, Jesus! Amen, come quickly!) and yet here we are, still in the mess, still living in the murky mud of the wonderful "already-not-yet".  And it is so worth it.  Worth it to see God working out His perfect plan.  Worth it to be sitting here in the dusky dawn on the stone table, beginning to see "death itself begin to work backward".  Worth it to see Christ using even my very sin and utter failures for his glory.  Worth it to see the very laws of nature and gravity defied.  

What is life in the light of eternity?  When we all get to heaven and are living in timeless joy, what will our lives on earth look like I wonder?  Utterly, utterly paltry, insignificant.  A drop in the ocean of God's amazing love and grace.  All that will matter is that a chasm as wide as eternity was bridged.  A ladder has been placed from the Bethel of our hearts to the very height of God Himself.  His promise is to us.  Our stories are being written by the "Author and Perfector of our faith."

Every ending is a good ending.

How often in our innocence,

Which Jesus calls self-centeredness,

We think that when God blesses me

the whole world will rejoice to see

that Jesus is alive in me!

We do not see God's perfect scheme

to strip us of our dearest dream

Of world-renown and fantasy,

(whatever level it may be)

of blessings other people see.

His greatest blessing oft may be

the blessing of humility:

That never will His words be won

from others' lips, nor praises come

from any voice but His alone:

"How blessed you are, My faithful one!"

- L.M. Miles

I believe the dance between spring, winter, and fall may at long last be over. Winter seems to finally be soloing on the floor, and has almost convinced most of the pansies to rest until the real spring. The daffodils, however, are extremely confused, as is the snow. Both have decided that the time for some degree of boldness and leadership has come. As a result, Philadelphia has a lot of half-drooped pansies, half-grown daffodils, and . . . IT IS SNOWING OUTSIDE!! Granted, the flakes are miniscule and refuse to accumulate, but nevertheless . . . I begin to have hope for a winter with conviction.

Hey, if we're going to have winter, we may as well have winter. Winter means cold. Cold means snow. Snow means a break for the flowers.

At least, that's what I remember . . . from back in the day . . .

A quote that really blessed me today:

"Our mistake is to think of grace as deliverance from problems; in reality, it is the ability to persevere in the midst of those problems.  We desire the "grace" of relief while God gives us the true grace of empowerment.

We make a mistake when we measure our potential to deal with difficulty by the size and duration of the problem.  We should be measuring our potential according to the size of God's provision and the promise of his eternal presence.  Even in the deepest difficulty we are never without resources.  WE are never alone.  This is a profound and radical way to think about relationships.  Our problems have everything to do with sin, and our potential has everything ot do with Christ . . . While sin is an ever-present reality, it is no match for Jesus Christ."

- Relationships: A Mess Worth Making, Tim Lane & Paul Tripp

I walk along the cracked sidewalk, the dull sound of my shoes hitting pavement and the ryhthm of my body the only safe and familiar thing to me. The laughs of the group of boys using one of their playmates as a push-toy all have a downward note, a spiral of sadness that lingers long after I have continued on my way. I shiver in the gray air, hugging my coat around me, eyeing the drooping leftover Christmas decorations, the dirty red bows, the shredded tinsel.

I've seen the old man at the post office before, his wheelchair parked near the entrance. We have a sort of kinship, this man and I, dispite drastic differences in ages, color of skin, and physical capabilities. He is one of the few people I cannot resist giving my paltry dollars to, so I cross the street before I come to him, suddenly aware of a few more homeless people on the street who will follow me like so many stray cats and of the cigarette in his mouth which would soon be joined by more companions - bought with my hard-earned money.

And why not? I wonder. Why not just live like you feel like living, stealing and begging a few dollars here and there. Why not fill your lungs with the residues that will eventually destroy the inner lining of your lungs and eat their way into your cells? Why not party and drink and hang out at corner stores if you feel like it? Why not watch girls and try to flatter and talk to them as this next guy is doing to me?

Why not?

Tell me this: If I have evolved from scum and am only going to be here for a few years before my eventual decay and death (once again scum), if I do not have to think of anyone but myself, if I am worth it, as the media tells me, why, oh why should I conform to the rules? If there is no order to this world, no destiny, no meaningful beginning - if all is a result of random chance, why should I not live by any random chance thought that passes through my mind and heart? If there are natural consequenses, that just proves that there is some order in the world - and there is always an easy out. Death must be more friendly than life.

An empty candy wrapper rattles down the sidewalk.

The empty shell of things once sweet.

~   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   ~

There is something so fiercely, stubbornly courageous about these people, I realize. I mean, do the math - what is more scary to you - believing that there is no one controlling this mess, that there is no hope other than to have as much "love", drugs, drink, smokes, food, and sex before you expire and pass into non-existence, or believing that there is order, purpose, meaning in everything and that there is a wise, just, and loving being who carefully fashioned this world and every living person and will continue to care for you and bring you to perfection and eternal life? What brings you the most fear - the expectation of passing into oblivion after a tragic and painful end , or the knowledge of living in perfect joy forever?

What is it about us? What is it that makes us so incredibly intentionally blind? Why is it that, when all is said and done, we all choose the candy wrapper?

So that this strength could be shown weak. So that His weakness could be shown strong. So that in our weakness, He could give us His strength.

~   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   ~

"His grace is sufficient. His strength is made perfect - where? In weakness.

Your weakness will not keep you from being effective if you believe the gospel. Your delusions of strength will."

- Paul Tripp

How can one be satisfied and yet have deep longings, be convicted that one is a profound sinner and yet completely loved and accepted, be joyful and yet sad in the exact consecutive moment?

Only through love.

Only through Christ.

I'm back. It is good to be back . . . in a way. I am very excited for my next classes, convinced that they will continue to change and bless me beyond anything I could ever have thought possible. I miss the ones I love more than ever before. Yet another opportunity for God's grace to shine through.

"Father, I desire that they also whom You gave Me may be with Me where I am, that they may behold My glory which You have given Me; for You loved Me before the foundation of the world. O righteous Father! The world has not known You, but I have known You; and these have known that You sent Me. And I have declared to them Your name, and will declare it, that the love with which You loved Me may be in them, and I in them." John 17:24-26